Do children grow into wise adults because we adults planted the seeds of wisdom in childhood? Just as Mother Nature unlocks the potential in each flower seedling to produce colorful blooms, can wise parents unlock the infinite potential within each child to blossom in beautiful and unique ways? Always, at the core of that evolution, lies wisdom.
For many of us, wisdom often seems elusive, attainable, perhaps, only by the aged. Published research has identified several common characteristics associated with wisdom (Meeks & Jeste, 2009):
- prosocial attitudes and behavior
- social decision making abilities
- emotional homeostasis
- reflection
- self-understanding
- value relativism
- tolerance
- dealing effectively with uncertainty
Are there antecedents to wisdom that can set us on a trajectory towards wisdom? University of Chicago researcher Howard Nusbaum believes there are. His list of antecedents includes: epistemic humility, virtue motivation, reflection, and a willingness to engage in intellectual struggle as the foundations of wisdom. Nusbaum believes that it is through learning from life experience as we age, not because of our age, that we may develop wisdom (Nusbaum, 2014).
Wisdom Comes with Experience… But at What Age?
How much wisdom should we expect from a 3-year-old? At what age do the various components of wisdom begin to emerge? What types of experiences may very young children learn from in order to develop and practice the foundations of wisdom?
Wisdom includes not only an emotional understanding of oneself, but an empathic understanding of others, as well, and an ability to use that knowledge to drive one’s behavior — emotional intelligence, in other words. Emotional intelligence (EI) is a subset of socio-emotional intelligence skills involving the ability to perceive, monitor, identify and regulate our own feelings and the feelings of others, and to use that information to self-motivate, plan, and achieve. Emotionally intelligent people know what they're feeling as they feel it, and are adept at understanding and empathizing with the feelings of others, too. They’re able to effectively manage stress and channel emotions into purposeful actions.
Kids who don’t have high IQs, but do have high EQs (Emotional Intelligence Quotient) perform better in school, and are more popular than their less empathetic peers. Head Start preschool programs have demonstrated that early academic success is achieved not by intellect but by EI factors such as understanding what kind of behavior is expected from you, the ability to curb impulses to misbehave, waiting your turn and getting along with other children (Oden et al., 2000). Another ongoing study of emotional intelligence in a mixed-age group of students is finding that those who achieve the greatest academic success excel at four aspects of emotional intelligence — stress management, time management, motivation and commitment ethic (Yeo & Carter, 2009).
Where does emotional intelligence come from? It begins at home.
From an early age, children have the capacities to develop their repertoires that set the stage for wisdom development. Parents are the first teachers, and there are opportunities to plant seeds daily, once you start looking for them.
Wisdom Through Mindful Parenting
In their book, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting (1997), Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn discuss what it means to be a mindful parent. It means being in touch with our own lives and the lives of our children as they’re unfolding. It means being present with your child, being fully aware of the moment-to-moment fluctuations in the “stream of consciousness,” embracing them with openness and acceptance, and observing them objectively, non-reactively and without judgment. And that means seeing your kids as they really are and guiding them toward wisdom with compassion.
Mindfulness enhances emotional intelligence, in part, by enhancing empathy training. For example, mindfulness has been shown to increase compassion, empathy and perspective-taking in relationships (Wachs & Cordova, 2007; Barnes et al., 2007). In simply modeling mindfulness and emotional intelligence for your kids, you plant seeds of wisdom. Even very young children learn to develop empathic responses from observing the compassionate acts of others. On the flip side, if their feelings are not validated by the key adults in their lives, they eventually cease to recognize and understand them in themselves and others.
Even if mindful parenting is not always easy, it allows us to plant little seeds daily in the form of small behavioral adjustments. Caring for these tender plantings eventually becomes a natural, nurturing rhythm, an intrinsic element of everyday life. It no longer feels like work, for, as any gardener would tell you, watching your seeds grow is rewarding. It’s an investment, in your children and in the future world that they will one day create.
Mindful awareness allows both child and parent to attend to their feelings and experience a sense of interconnectedness, community and belonging. In parent-child relationships, mindfulness has been found to help break damaging automatic patterns and help parents to become better attuned and more deeply connected to their children (Siegel, 2007). It is through sustained attending that we develop insight. And it is through insight that we accrue wisdom.
Exercises for mindful parenting
Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn (1997) suggest twelve exercises to enhance mindful parenting. The authors suggest that parents try to imagine the world from the child's point of view. Every day, imagine how you appear and sound from your child's point of view, and consider how this might change how you carry yourself, how you speak, and what you say. Every child is unique, and has special needs. So, the Kabat-Zinns encourage parents to be mindful of their expectations of their children, to be aware of how those expectations are communicated and how they may affect their children. Ultimately, they say that the greatest gift you can give your child is yourself: Keep growing in self-understanding and awareness.
The greatest gift you can give your child is yourself. Children learn by example.
If our children often observe us failing to manage our own emotions and engaging in reactive behavior, this is the model they’ll follow. Eventually, emotional reactivity can become an ingrained response that may continue into adulthood. Also, if parents fear their own emotions, or if seeing emotions in others causes anxiety, they’ll be ill-equipped to help their children understand and regulate their own internal experiences. In order for children to learn how to value and advocate for themselves and others in healthy ways, parents must be models of self-compassion. Parents and caregivers are the critical first teachers of self-worth and love.
Virtue Motivation and Character: What’s Right with Us?
Psychology has historically tended to focus on what’s wrong with us, rather than on what’s right with us. But in 2000, 55 leading social scientists set out to answer the question: What are the very best attributes of human beings? From this research, the VIA Institute on Character was born. Over a 3-year period, these researchers scoured the world's repository of essential literature — psychiatry, psychology, youth development, religion, philosophy and other disciplines — to pinpoint the virtues and character strengths that have been universally valued across time and all cultures. The result was a compilation of 24 character strengths, categorized under 6 virtues:
Wisdom and Knowledge: creativity, curiosity, judgment, love of learning, perspective
Courage: bravery, perseverance, honesty, zest
Humanity: love, kindness, social intelligence
Justice: teamwork, fairness, leadership
Temperance: forgiveness, humility, prudence, self-regulation
Transcendence: appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality
Certainly, planting the virtuous seeds of wisdom falls under a parent’s job description. Creating your child’s VIA character strength profile is a great way to start. A VIA profile can provide insights into your child’s unique character strengths and pinpoint areas that could use a little work. The profile can be built online from a scientifically validated self-assessment survey, created under the direction of Dr. Martin Seligman, the “father of Positive Psychology” and author of Authentic Happiness and Flourish, and Dr. Christopher Peterson, University of Michigan scientist and author of A Primer in Positive Psychology.
And while you’re at it, why not take the adult VIA Survey yourself? After all, who couldn’t use a little more wisdom and virtue? As journalist Walter Lippmann once wrote:
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf.
We teach wisdom. And, ultimately, wisdom teaches us.
UP FOR DISCUSSION
What do you find to be the most effective parenting strategies for instilling wisdom in kids?
Parents and caregivers, please share your experience, thoughts, and insights on fostering wisdom in your children.
References
Barnes, S., Brown, K.W., Krusemark, E., & Campbell, W.K. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4): 482–500.
Kabat-Zinn, M. & Kabat-Zinn, J. (1997). Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. New York, NY: Hyperion.
Meeks, T.W. & Jeste, D.V. (2009). The neurobiology of wisdom: A literature overview. Archives of General Psychiatry, 66(4): 355-365.
Nusbaum, H.C. (2014, Sep.). What Psychological and Social Factors Contribute to the Development of Wisdom? [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://wisdomresearch.org/forums/t/1445.aspx
Oden, S., Schweinhart, L., & Weikart, D. (2000). Into Adulthood: A Study of the Effects of Head Start.Ypsilanti, MI: High Scope Press.
Peterson, C., & Park, N. (2009). Classifying and measuring strengths of character. In S. J. Lopez & C. R. Snyder (Eds.), Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology, 2nd Edition (pp. 25-33). New York: Oxford University Press. http://www.viacharacter.org
Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. New York: Oxford University Press and Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. http://www.viacharacter.org
Siegel, D.J. (2007). The Mindful Brain: Reflection and attunement in the cultivation of well-being. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Co.
Wachs, K., & Cordova, J. V. (2007). Mindful relating: Exploring mindfulness and emotion repertoires in intimate relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4), 464–481.
